back to women's newsletter archives

August 18th, 2008

Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. In the forefront is the fact that my mother died at 1:00 a.m. on Monday morning, August 10th. She lived a long life and had lots of family and friends who cared about her and loved her dearly. Thursday was her memorial service. I wanted it to be a celebration and boy, was it ever. We actually had her favorite band, the Zydico Zippers, play and everyone (over 130, standing room only) danced in the funeral chapel. No organ music for her. Many people told me it was the best funeral they've ever attended. We had everyone wear red, my mother's favorite color, and the room was filled with tearful happiness. It couldn't have been more perfect. You can see her memorial website at EnthusiasticEve.com

In this issue:
1) Don't Let The Same Thing Happen To You
2) You've Asked For It and It's Here
3) F R E E Over 40, Fit & Fabulous Teleseminar
4) 3 Ways To Get A Man's Attention

1) Don't Let The Same Thing Happen To You
My mother, a very beautiful woman, did not have a boyfriend for the final 40 years of her life. The irony is that she loved men. But she had rules and when it came to her rules, she was unbending. One rule was that he couldn't wear what sshe called a "rug". I get that one but if the man's got potential, then you can always tell him that bald is sexy. And he had to be a good dancer. Few men are but if a man is in love, and it's important to you, he will take lessons. And the strictest came from her 44 years of being in AA. He couldn't be a ex drinker, which generally means he's had a drinking problem at one time in his life, and he couldn't be a current drinker. In our culture, that leaves out most men. This always seemed especially harsh since she was a ex drinker.

So in all the years after her divorce, she never had a boyfriend. But even in her 70s she was still saying, "When the right man comes along." And in her memorial service Thursday, when I opened it up for her friends to speak, one woman said up until last year, my mother always asked if her friend knew of any men for her. My mother was 85.

This makes me want you to take a look at your rules. Are they rational, do they have to do with a man's character, with his ability to love you, care for you, romance you? When someone near to you dies, it smacks you in the face what really matters. And the right house, car, net worth, friends, job... none of that matters. What matters is the "quality" of our relationships. So take a look at your rules. If you're not sure what they are, start writing, but not on the computer. What's beneath the surface rises more easily when you put a pen in your hand. Once you know what your rules are, look at how they serve or hinder your goals. If you're not sure, have a friend go over them with you.

Then, if you need to, make some new rules that will serve and support your quest to find love. I'd love to hear how this exercise has made you more aware of what's maybe been going on beneath the surface and kept love at arm's length, as my mother's rules did for her. Write to me here

2) You've Asked for It and It's Here
As you know, a lot of what I teach is how to bring out the best in you, to glow more brightly so you will be your most attractive and to continue to develop your Feminine Grace so you'll be happier. But you also need those nuts-and-bolts, basic how-to details of how to date smart.

Basic how-to information like: Where to meet men What to do when a man calls to make a date How to prepare properly before he picks you up or you leave to meet him What to do on the first date with a new man What to do on the second and third dates What to say and not say How to keep conversations moving along And that big question: When is it okay to you-know-what?

Well, the Dating Basics Course is finally ready and I've included a bonus I think you'll like. So go on over to Dating Success Technology, learn all about it and order your copy of Dating Basics today so you can date smarter on your next date.

3) F R E E Over 40, Fit & Fabulous Teleseminar

In less than a week you're finally going to hear me interview Lisa Crisalle and you'll get to ask her questions about how to be Over 40, Fit & Fabulous. You'll love her wisdom, her no-nonsense style and her enthusiasm. She'll make you want to get fabulous as soon as you possibly can. There's a limited number of spots so please register now so we'll know how many of you will be joining us. Register here for this August 26th event! Don't know about her fantastic program? Find out all about it here

4) 3 Ways To Get a Man's Attention Without Taking Over His "Job" Of Being The Man
One thing I've learned in talking to men over the years is that when the woman makes the first move, it puts things on the wrong foot from the beginning... and it's hard to get it back to where it would have been if he'd made the first move. But, and this is a big one, most men need about a 90% sure sign that you're not going to turn him down if he approaches you.

Therein lies the dilemma. How do you get his attention, give him the "it's okay", not lose out on the opportunity, without jumping in and taking over his job? Well, there are 3 things that will definitely work:

1. You're Out And About. (Work, party, coffee shop, etc.)
The Man's Job: Approach you.
Your Job: Let him know you find him attractive and that's safe for him to approach.

The best way to do that is to do the "Eye Thing". This is how you do it: Look at him until he looks at you, then hold your gaze longer than you want to, then look down. Then, in a few moments, look at him again. If he's looking at you, hold the gaze again, smile ever so slightly, then look down. If he isn't looking at you, wait until he looks again, then do those things I just mentioned. Keep catching his eyes, without overdoing it, using your feminine wiles until he comes over to talk to you. If he doesn't, that means you aren't his type (noting personal), he's got a date, or he's involved. But you both probably had a good time enjoying the flirting energy.

2. He Has Approached.
The Man's Job: To get your contact information or ask you out on a date.
Your job: Encourage him when he has approached you.

When he comes over, smile (but not a huge smile, a feminine smile), be gracious, look him directly in the eyes when he speaks to you, be interested, find an opportunity to touch his arm or his shoulder but not in any s e x ual way; maybe when you laugh or he says something fascinating. Ask questions about him (but not the kind that would make him feel like you're sizing up his qualifications, like what kind of work he does or what kind of house he owns) If men are successful, they'll let you know soon enough because they want to impress you. Use the "Tell me more" phrase.

When you part, if you haven't made a date, DO NOT contact him. If you do, you've taken over his job. If he never contacts you, then let go of your expectations and quit hoping he'll call. And don't start assuming he's a worthless no-account. If he's that attracted, he'll contact you. And don't you want a man who is so attracted that he can't stop thinking about you? (Blatant Sales Pitch: Get my course, "Let The Real You Shine Through" so you will know how to be unforgettable.)

3. You're Thrown Together At A Gathering.
The Man's Job: To get your contact information or ask you out on a date.
Your Job: To let him know you're attracted, make him feel safe so he'll ask you out.

How to casually start a conversation when you're "thrown together":

a. When you both show up at a party or wedding

One good thing about meeting a new man at a party is that you probably both know the host and/or hostess. That gives you something in common which makes it easy for you to ask how you know "Bob" or "Alice." It's always okay for you to start a conversation at this type of event. If you see an attractive man, you can work your way over to where he is and ask a question. Most people are relaxed in this type of setting so parties are a great place to meet someone new.

b. When you meet for the first time in a business setting you have something in common

This is a little trickier but you can still "be the woman." Men love to be the problems solvers, have all the answers, impress you. So if you ask him to explain, clarify or add to whatever the topic is, he'll see you in a different light than just another colleague, or worse, someone he feels in competition with. You have to ask him as a woman, with the energy that will transmit our interest to him. This is where Let The Real You Shine Through will really help.

c. When you're standing in line at a coffee shop, the market, etc.

This is an easy way to start a conversation. Don't complain in any way because that is veering over toward ugly behavior. Instead, make a neutral comment like, "I don't come here very often. Is it always this popular?" Popular is a positive word, crowded could be seen as negative. After he answers, say, "It has really fun energy." This makes you seem fun. Can you see the subtlety of this? It takes practice but if you pay attention to what you're saying, and your intent, you'll start getting good at coming across as a different kind of woman than those most men usually meet.

d. When you sit next to him at a lecture, class, any gathering

First, do your best to sit next to an attractive man. You can't always make this happen, but you can talk before, after and if there's a break.
The simplest thing is to ask him a question about the upcoming topic, how he came to be interested in that topic, etc. Starting a conversation at these kind of events is easy and generally, if you're good at remembering that your job is to make him feel comfortable, and you're fun, interested and interesting, the odds are he'll ask to see you again.

For all 3 of these opportunities to be open and available to his approach, remember to be feminine, soft, interested, interesting, fun and positive. Look for an opportunity for him to be your hero (by helping you with something or answering a question), and relax and enjoy the dance that we call flirting. If you get at all aggressive, you're taking over his job, if you get needy, you are scary. So just relax, see what happens, and if he doesn't ask for your number or doesn't ask to see you again, don't take it personally. But do use it as an opportunity to learn. The more you do this the better you'll get.

Register for the Committed Couples Newsletter here

From my heart to yours,

The Heart Whisperer ^(TM)

Kara Oh
Your Relationship Mentor
Kara's Philosophy

P.S. If you're in a committed relationship you can switch to the Committed Couples Newsletter here

back to women's newsletter archives